Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Shine On....

This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine.
This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine.
This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine.
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.


As a small child this was my favorite Sunday school song. Even today I find myself sneaking it into my shower repertoire between the Oscar Meyer song and the Tanya Tucker’s classic Delta Dawn.

This song is based on the Mathew 5:16 verse, "Let your light shine before men, that they may see your fine works and give glory to your Father who is in the heaven." I love this verse and as an oldest child who should be in Type A recovery, I live this verse. I have always worked hard – to be all things to all people.

I am still trying to scrub off the residue of a difficult year. This film – this coating – not only was confining, it was humiliating. It was heavy. It was dark. For the first time in my life, I struggled to keep my pilot light lit. It was being blown out by individuals who were not interested in my past fire…the life and work that sparked my daily existence. I was not in a place of warmth, and I could not find the energy to continue to stoke my own flame. Personally, professionally and spiritually I was burnt out.

It is officially advent – the season of hope and light. It is my favorite time of the year. As South Dakotans we have the corner market on viscerally living the season in our northern plains snow globe – a safe, small world of controlled blizzards; it takes very little outside motion to disturb our Currier and Ives aesthetics. However, I have noted that when you turn a snow globe upside down all the structures remain frozen in place…the buildings, the flora, even the light posts are fixed.

As we return home to gather around decorated Christmas trees and fireplaces, it is a good reminder that no matter where we have been shaken and tossed throughout the year, we eventually can settle again in the warmth of family and home – whatever and wherever that may be. However, once it has been shaken, it can never be the same as it had once been.

While wallowing around in the muck of my life, I have been advised to just get over it. Be happy. Smile. Forget about it. Move on. However it is all too heavy to just pick up my life where I left it last spring. So, I am choosing to work out so I just get stronger – call it an early New Year’s Resolution. I am going to bench press my bad press. I am going to squat out the external squawking. I am going to keep my chin up by doing chin lifts, I am going to free up the weight of regret with free weights. I am going to own it so that it all seems lighter and then – just then – maybe I too will lighten up.

My favorite advent scripture is from Isaiah 9:2,6

The people walking in darkness
have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of deep darkness
a light has dawned.
For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

I have been walking around in darkness long enough stumbling and uncovering potholes – about me, my friends, my family, my past and my future. However, I believe that I see a soft beam of light (his name just may Teake Bartling) willing to lead the way. God placed the boon of light in each of us, and it is my responsibility to “let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.” I am gaining strength and building my fire with the dense kindling of my past, and hope to soon illuminate love and reflect wisdom to those in my path.

“Hide it under a bush”….No more.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

HAPPY HALLOWEEN from NYC!































It is the biggest holiday in the city... Frankly, in the West Village every night is a little like Halloween; on any given night there is a drag show. Here are a few shots from in and around my neighborhood.

Doug Hughes and Kim Bartling


Friday, October 31, 2008

Old Friends - New Friends

I got up yesterday to do a bit of shopping at my favorite spots. Also, I was going to meet my former student and dear friend Mitch Maguire and his 4 month old daughter Sadie so I needed to stop by Barnes and Noble. I picked her up all my favorite titles: Horray for Wodney Wat, Where the Wild Things are, Chrysanthemum, Partly Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, Bedhead, Fancy Nancy. Mom had also china painted her a baby bootie with her birthday and vitals.

It was so fun to see Mitch and his new daughter. She is absolutely gorgeous with eyelashes that go on for miles and soft blue-grey eyes. I got to hold her the entire hour…loved it. It was good to catch up with Mitch; he will forever be one of the most important people in my life.

Next, I dashed off to the Atlantic Theatre Company to interview Doug Hughes for my book. Wow. He is not only a brilliant director, he is gracious, warm and refreshingly unguarded. He was the easiest interview yet; he just free associated the words with not only his approach to the stage but also just him as a man in the world. Considering how swamped he is with work (he had just finished rehearsal the then they had a preview performance at 8), I was thrilled that he gave me an hour and a half window.
On the way out, I grabbed a student ticket and who was working? Fran who I met numerous times through the Women’s Project and had already ran into at the performance of Speed the Plow. The theatre world is very, very small.
Farragut North was frighteningly time relevant. It was about the dog eats dog world of political spin. It starred Chris Noth and John Gallagher Jr. The young girl was particularly good. The space is very small; it seats around 200 and her choices were subtle and smart.

After the play, I waited to tell Doug Hughes how much I enjoyed the conversation. I did say hi to Chris Noth, but I did not remind him that we were in Alaska together in 2002. As I waited, I could not help but watch Olivia Thilby . I decided that I would ask him for an interview as he would certainly lower the age demographic, and – let’s face it – since his performance as Moritz in Spring Awakening, he is the hottest young actor on the scene.

He was wonderful to the all of young people waiting to speak with him. In fact, he was so good, that it took forever for me to speak with him. When I did, he acted like I was the first person to ever give him a compliment. He gave me his full attention and preceeded to tell me how lucky he is. I told him that there may be a bit of luck, but he is successful because it is obvious that he treats people with respect. He will always work because people want to work with him. It would be fun to interview him.

I went home happy again. I saw good friends, good theatre and good manners
.

Variety is the Spice of Theatrical Life

On Wednesday, I went to A Man for All Seasons at the American Airline Theatre. It starred the great Frank Langella and it was the first time in a long time that I cried in the theatre. It was oozed class. Things found in my notebook after the show
  • Never underestimate the power of light as a metaphor. There was an point when Cromwell snuffed out the light of enlightenment.
  • Off stage sounds should never be forgotten
  • Hughes is the king of directing scene changes; they are deliberate and orchestrated
  • In the design there are lots of lines to cross – in the flooring, the beams, the doors, etc.
  • Excellen t playfulness of Henry VIII. He was depicted as a walking party…he even had musicians traveling him. He was an infectious personality.
  • Sir Thomas Moore: “God is too subtle.”
  • “It is not holy; it is just old. You can’t see it or touch it ….it is theory.
  • “I trust I make myself obscure?
  • Thought is the middle…Kirby Wilcoxson is a modern day Sir Thomas Moore
  • The law is not a light in which to see by.

The reason I found myself tearing up was first the relationship between Moore and his daughter Margaret and his wife…he respected them and protected them. The other reason was because it was a student matinee. When I bought my ticket, they basically apologized that the house would be full of students. I said, “I taught high school for 12 years. I am totally up for the challenge.” It was an honor to be in the audience. The show was close to 3 hours long and they were so engaged.

During the curtain call, Frank Langella stopped to address them. He told them that they were the best audience ever and that this play addresses the issue of conscience. He said, “It is of great importance to listen to one conscience and know the man or woman that your are voting to represent you in the affairs of the state. It was sincere and it made an impact.
After the show, I dropped some interview requests at Speed the Plow for Jeremy Piven and Raul Esparza. Then, I ran up to 54th to grab some soup from my favorite spot…yum. Seafood Chowder and Crab Bisque.


That night I attended Fifty-Words at the Lucille Lortel which is three blocks from my home. Ummmm…it was scary in a ohmygodIdonotwanttobethesepeople sort of way. Norbert Butz who is a huge Broadway name drives me nuts…he pulls the last vowel in the last word of each sentence. The pattern is irritating.


New plays – old plays. Young audiences – old audiences. Broadway - Off, Off Broadway, 1ooo in the house – 2oo in the house….I love the variety right outside of my door.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Bogartism

My meeting with Anne Bogart went really, really well. I started the conversation by asking her a couple of random questions. “Do you think we will see a new ‘ism’ in our lifetime? Are we moving toward anything? ” I asked. She responded, “Well, I think we are moving to a rebirth of learning. The last ‘ism” was post-modernism. However, we need to see a deconstruction in order for there to be growth. It is approaching.”

I asked her if – before we started talking about the project – I could tape record it. I explained that my memory isn’t what it used to be and that the what I used to take to help that (estrogen) has been removed from my daily supplement by my doctor. She retorted, “I know what you can take. Take notes.” Touche.

I pitched the project by explaining the importance of her text in the USF CST program. Then, I told her about my artistic journey. I assured her that my continual quest for knowledge keeps me alive as a teacher, and that my goal as an instructor is prepare the students in their discipline but also to show them how to change the world with art – right where you live. I told her that Terrance McNalley once told me,”Do art where you are. If you make New York, Chicago, LA or even Minneapolis your barometer of success than you will be unhappy .” This is why I want to do the supplemental book. I want to bring the stories of the artists to them. Furthermore, I want to show my students that all people have stories and that it is our job to tell them.

She listened intensely and then simply said, “I love the idea. I am excited about its possibilities; you have my complete support. Now, I need to get back to rehearsal, and I will see you at the show.” It was quick and absolutely everything – and more – than I hoped it would be. I did attend her radio play of War of the Worlds afterwards. Jeffery France, one of the actors that I interviewed last year, was one of the actors so that was a lovely surprise. Julie Crosby, from the Women’s Project and her significant other, Bruce, joined me at my table. It struck me how small the theatre world is even in nyc.

The performance was chilling. I am so drawn to her direction…it is simple: listen to the text. It is powerful how large she can make a production when – in reality – the stage was absolutely tiny to house the seven actors.

After the show, I touched base with Jeffery and then headed back to the Village. I stopped in Daddy-O and caught up with Luce. It feels so good to be able to pick up with my nyc friends right where we left off last December….we both had a lot to share.

USF Superhero Comes to the Rescue


After a lovely group meal at Spice, the students packed up and headed home. It was a good day to leave the city as it was pouring and cold. After they boarded the van, I actually prepped in one of their apartments for my meeting with Bogart. Then came the call – from Amanda. Their flight had been cancelled due to the weather and the closest they could get to home was Chicago.

It was de ja vu all over again. Two years ago we had the same problem traveling to nyc. At that time, I called President Benedetto as he is originally from Chicago and asked for advice. He not only found the students a hotel, he found one with a shuttle and free breakfast AND he picked up the bill. Two years later, I need my Benedetto superhero powers again. He came to the rescue again. I think it is amazing that our university is close enough that not only do I feel comfortable enough to ask, but that he feels such a connection and responsibility to these eight random students.


A View From the Bridge







Monday, October 27, 2008

Bridges, Cherry Lane, Letterman and Cupcakes

Another nyc first…together with Kimmy Norlin and Tracie Erdmann , I walked the Brooklyn Bridge. Since Tuesday’s forecast calls for rain, a couple of us made this a priority on– yet another – beautiful October day. As much as it was a leisurely and picturesque walk, I could not help seeing the images of 9-11 that are imprinted in my mind.

We met up with Leah Hofkamp who had been exploring MoMA all day for a early dinner at Lower East Side vegan-friendly restaurant. They eventually headed up to Central Park; I have not seen the guys all day. Actually, that is not true. I did see Keegan. He and Amanda were going to join us on the Brooklyn Bridge; however, he lost his cell phone on the subway. He finally did get a call and had to go meet the party who were gracious enough to return it.


Tonight, some of us met up to go to Fault Lines at Cherry Lane Theatre which is right around the corner from my apartment. It starred Josh Lucas but the entire ensemble was impressive on stage and on paper. Furthermore, Fault Lines was directed by David Schwimmer. It was a solid performance. It was full strong choices and – yet – it all looked so simple.

After the show, we waited to meet and greet the cast. They were so approachable; they asked the girls questions, signed Playbills and took pictures. Lucas even gave me his email so that I can contact him about collecting an artist interview. I am so glad they saw an Off-Broadway show so they could actually see actors work.



Up the five flights of stairs to my apartment we went for a little post-show discussion. They had been to the famous Magnolia’s Bakery earlier, so I brewed some Porto Rico coffee, and we had a lovely time. We solved some world problems and then….watched Keegan Warwick and Amanda Simon make their CBS debut. They got some really good air time on Letterman.


Kimmy, Tracie and Leah headed back to their apartment, but Amanda crashed on my couch. I really do love these students. They continually teach me every day, and it has been such a pleasure to get to spend time with them off campus and know them all a bit better.

Coming and Going from the Women's Project


Extraordinary Day

Amanda Simon and I attended the final production of the Women’s Project production of Alien with Extraordinary Skills. It was odd to walk back into the theatre where a year ago, I spent so much time. From the moment we got there, we were put to work. I rocked the membership table and Amanda sold concessions – it was a great way to see free theatre. It was also fun to see the old crew – Allison, Julie, Jack, Gian Murray and Megan. However the real treat was seeing Lucy Martin who was part of the Wapato cast from last year. She was one of my nyc surrogate mothers. The first question that she had was about the final chapter in the Velarie – the homeless woman – story. I was pleased to tell her that after a month at St. Vincent’s, I did move her to Watertown where she is living “happily ever after.”


Aliens with Extraordinary Skills was a beautiful show….funny and poignant. It was a sweet tale about following your dreams in a fresh, new way. We loved it.


Amanda and I spent the rest of the evening in and around Canal. Five pairs of shoes later, we were literally and figuratively spent. Following a group tour of the Lower East Side Toy Company, we called it a day.

What am I running to or from? No matter what, I always end up where I started.


The following is the web description of the road race that I completed yesterday

Poland Spring™ Marathon Kickoff Race

On the Sunday prior to the ING New York City Marathon, this race travels the roads of Central Park covering part of the Marathon course including the same finish line. The 5-mile race is open to all runners, not just Marathoners. In addition to plenty of Poland Spring® Brand Natural Spring Water to keep runners hydrated, everyone who completes the race receives a Poland Spring Souvenir and t-shirt.


I met Ann Weisbecker and Matt "Guy" Fiorita at CP for the 8:30 run. Guy took off immediately and ran some ridiculous time like 30 minutes. Ann and I ran together for the first couple of miles, but since I had not ran since I fell and busted off my front tooth, I told her to continue on at that pace...I had to slow down. Also, I thought we were running a 5K. After the one mile marker and I asked her exactly how long 5K was in miles, Ann said, "Yeah, um...it is 5 miles. I didn't know when it would be a good time to tell you." Okay. 5 miles. No problem....and really it wasn't. I finished running under 10 minute miles. Not bad for someone officially closer to 50 than 40. I really wish I had brought my camera as it was really wonderful to be able to take part in an event with 10,000 others, but more than that to do it with 2 former O'Gorman (and Ann also graduated from USF) students who I directed and coached.

Little fyi about Ann and Guy. First of all, the name "Guy" came after high school, so I have a difficult time calling him that - he is Matt to me. Anyway, they are both O'G grads, both amazing actors and interpers for me, but did not know each other (he is older). They met in nyc and have been together for a couple of years now. Life is amazing

...anyway, back to Central Park. It was an absolutely perfect morning in the city. The sun was shining and it was perfect weather for running. It was so communal. People were lined up around the park to cheer us on; it really does give you marathon fever. Next Sunday, I am going to Guy's apt in Williamsburg to watch the NY City Marathon and return the "fan favor" to real runners!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Broadway Hit and Miss

Yesterday, I got up and hit the Housing Works....where else can you get a $200 designer jean jacket for $15?

I met some of the students for All My Sons. This was the show that turned me on to theatre. In the late 80's, I saw a production by the same name at SDSU starring names such as Jarrod Emick, Vicki Fuller, Trey Karlen and Michael Barnett. I could not leave the theatre because I could not quit sobbing....it forever has defined the word "catharsis" for me.

So, here I am listening to John Lithgow, Diane Wiest, Katie Holmes and Patrick Wilson speaking Miller's words....directed by a Brit - and it shows. Swear to God, the American born, Juliard trained actor playing George had a British accent. I found the staging contrite.; I knew where they were moving next. Also, the style was very John Doyle. Give them each an instrument and we have Sweeny Todd or Company. Stage vs Film chops showed...no matter how earnestly she projected, Ms. Holmes/Mrs. Cruise was out of her league.

Saturday night, I went to 13. Thank goodness it is only 90 minutes long. It was written and performed for a pre-pubescent audience; I am over 3o years too late.

I went to bed early to prepare for my Sunday am road race.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Amanda, Keegan and I enjoying the Knicks - Nets Game
Dan hanging on to the Staten Island Ferry for dear life, along with Kimmy, Tracie, Leah, Nick, Corbin and Keegan.

Protesting on the Wall Street



Two First for the NYC Old Timer.

It has been a pleasure to have the students in the city. This group is amazingly good at making decisions and playfully discovering the city on their own.

Yesterday, the the day was spent figuring out the theatre puzzle...where to get the cheapest tickets where and when. They are really good at it!

They did a lot of star spotting, ticket buying and a little shopping before meeting me @ 2. After scouring Loehmann's for shoes, we headed down to Ground Zero. It is always a powerful gift to visit this spot where so much life, love and potential was lost with students who are oozing with those very same qualities. I love and cherish the fact that I can grab hands and pray with my students....especially when we are sharing moments such as the reality of life's fleeting nature.

We continued down to Wall Street. What an interesting time to be in the Financial District. Since our economy is not just wavering but wallowing, there were protests all over. The kids and I talked about how amazing it is to live in a country where we can stand on the steps of the stock exchange and verbally rant about specific companies and people. How about that First Amendment? We take for granted the rights we have as citizens.

Our walk south down Manhattan landed us at the Staten Island Ferry. We took the free ferry ride - which goes right by the Statue of Liberty. Fun, fun, fun. I had never done that before - what a easy, fun and cheap treat.

Last night, I was the guest of Amanda Simon's as she spent the day shadowing the New York Knicks Cheerleaders. As the coach of the Skyforce Skyleaders, she got a sit down with their staff and a set of tickets for the Knicks and Nets. Keegan Warwich came too. We saw a great game...3 dunks by Patrick Ewing jr. and the final score was 110-111 Nets. That was my first trip to Madison Square Garden - another first in one day!

Having the enthusiasm of the students in the city has really been a gift to me. I am invigorated watching the learn to love the city.

Friday, October 24, 2008

"We will leave some traces, for we are people and not cities." - Ionesco, The Chairs





Last year, I took over 50 pictures of gloves that had been lost and abandoned around the city. The photo collection entitled Hands Across New York is one of my favorite pieces of art in my home.

Because I am currently directing Steven Deitz' Lonely Planet, I am acutely aware of all the empty chairs randomly left on the streets of New York. Who sat in these chairs? What does it say about their personality? Where did the owner go? Why is the chair no longer needed?

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Pinch Me

Isn’t there an MTV program called “Best Day Ever?” I – totally – needed to be on that show today.

I actually arrived in nyc yesterday. However, since I really haven’t slept until sometime in August, I arrived exhausted, dragged my posterior up the five floor walk-up to my studio on Bedford, and went to bed.

This morning, I awoke to a gorgeous October day in Manhattan. The first thing on the agenda was to walk over to Porto Rico Importing Company to buy beans. This is the best coffee shop in the world; they also have an online store and if anyone reading this ever wants to buy me a Christmas or Birthday gift, just send me some coffee from PRIC and I will love you forever. Check them out at http://www.portorico.com/store/

I then savored a quiet breakfast of bagel, cream cheese and jam, pumpkin spice coffee, a banana and yogurt. Heaven.

I constructed a letter of which I have been procrastinating. Since I am trying to collect artist interviews to place in an anthology that suppliments Anne Bogart’s book A Director Prepares: Seven Essays of Art and Theatre, I should probably consult Anne Bogart. I have been dragging my feet, because in addition to being a theorist, director and teacher, she is also writer. I have been hesitant in contacting her because I have been afraid that she will put the “kabash” on the project – maybe she wants to do this herself or maybe she just doesn’t like the idea. Also, without crashing SITI Company, the theatre company and school that she originated, or Columbia, where she teaches, I had no idea how to get into contact her.

So, I wrote a letter, explained my interest and sent it to an address I found on the Columbia website. She responded – enthusiastically about my work – within the hour. I was over-the-moon! She has agreed to meet with me next Tuesday. Pinch me.

Then, I also received a response from an email request that I sent director Douglas Hughes. He too agreed to meet with me, send me his cell number and told me to call. Pinch me.

I finished breakfast and floated over to the Housing Works to do a little shopping. Then, the USF kids called, they had landed in Newark found their driver and were headed to one of the apartment I had rented for them in Chelsea. Happy Fall Break USF!

We dropped their bags and walked down to the West Village. I introduced them to my neighborhood by having lunch at the White Horse Tavern, meeting Miguel and Hercules, and showing them all the quant tree-lined streets.

Next we headed uptown. They wanted Spring Awakening tickets…and got them. Amazing. Student rush – front mezzanine. I walked them by Rockefeller Center and on to the shrine called H & M. I needed to get down to the other apartment to grab keys, so I left Kimmy and Keagan to grab a student rush ticket for me to the Opening Night performance of the revival of Mamet’s Speed the Plow with Raul Esparza, Jeremy Piven and Elizabeth Moss.

Fyi…the kids’ apartments in Chelsea are on 28th and 20th (cross street is 7th for both). Both apts are really cute; I hope they are pleased.

I really enjoyed the direction and acting of Speed the Plow. How can you go wrong? Amazing actors – seasoned director. I always love sitting in the mezzanine as one can see directing patterns so clearly.

Afterwards, I was lingering around the stage door, just to eye-spy. Since it was opening night, I saw a lot of who’s who going in – Robert Kline, Blythe Danner, John McEnroe and Patti Smyth, Marian Seldes, and Barbara Streisand. On the way out, I spoke to Fredrick Weller and exchanged hi’s with the “Can you hear me now” Verizon guy. However, the thrill came randomly. Patricia Clarkson walked by.

Every year in Intro to Theatre, I am asked who are my favorite actors. My standard answers are Edward Norton and Patricia Clarkson. Earlier today, I was lamenting a bit that I was incredibly lucky to have so many amazing men to agree to meet me for an interview, but I really need more women. I was just thinking earlier today – I would love to interview Patricia Clarkson….and there she was.

I approached her and – truthfully – was star struck. I had trouble formulating a sentence, but I did ask….and she agreed!!! She said that she was “intriqued” by me and insisted that I call her Patty. First I get to call Kathleen Chalfant “Kathy” and now “Patty.” Pinch me.

After the kids got a slice to fill their tummies and end their first day, got the girls settled in their apartment, I headed home.

It was the “Best Day Ever.”

Friday, August 29, 2008

Sliding in Head First


It occurs each August
a true f
a
l
l
from fantasy
t
o
reality

I cling onto the
green and blue of summer

As I p
l
u
m
m
e
t
into the
black and grey of instructional technology

the white noise
of

Higher Learning Commission Accreditation Academic Standards Syllabus Criteria Assessment Critical Thinking Strategic Planning

has replaced
my sweet simplistic melody
of

wooden bats children’s foul ball footsteps the national anthem

Please Take Me Out to the Ball Game
Please Take Me Out
Please Take Me
Please

Friday, August 15, 2008

In a League of Our Own


Women and baseball. Two weeks ago, on another one of my baseball park crawls, I stopped at the oldest minor league park in America in Evansville, Indiana. It was here that A League of Their Own was filmed. The Frontier League team – the Otters – that call Bosse Field home, employ some of the cutest local high school girls to don replica uniforms found in the film and host the on-field promotions and games.

The film is best known for the phrase, “There is no crying in baseball.” However, when these darling young women break into dance fillers between innings, it took everything in my power to not interject, “There is no dancing in baseball. Take off the costumes. Sit down and watch the game!”

Maybe I was just reminded that women understanding, appreciating and loving baseball is as rare as a triple play. In fact, just this evening, I was enjoying a gorgeous night of ball at Haymarket Park in Lincoln, Nebraska when I was approached by a man who wanted to know who I was here to watch. My response was, “All of them.” I am not their mother or the cheerleader in residence; I am a baseball fan. He could not grasp the fact that I loved the game so much that I would a) travel to watch it b) sit there by myself.

This past summer, I befriended another woman who is as loyal to the play at the Birdcage as I am. I have admired her from afar in past years. Furthermore, I have enjoyed watching her grow - literally - as a fan. This season, I moved back to my original season seat located in the front row on the first base line. This placed me next to this other die hard Canaries fan, and we immediately bonded. Jasper and I became true baseball buddies.

We discussed our favorite baseball players, food and songs and agreed on many of them. The one thing we most have in common is that we love to….color, cut and paste. Did I mention Jasper is four?

Jasper inspires creativity. Together we created an All-Star scrapbook, and with her new baseball friendly arts and crafts suitcase, she is drawing intricate pictures with corresponding stories that entertain all of section D inning after inning. Well, almost everyone is entertained.

Canaries pitcher Pat Mahomes is Jasper’s number one fan; she reciprocates the adoration. He gives her gum and has taught her the proper arm gestures for the YMCA; she gives him a lot of smiles. Pat Mahomes is no different from any ball player that I have ever met - he knows where every gorgeous brunette is in the stands, and Jasper is no exception!

Pat has reprimanded me on many occasions that when we are creating, we put ourselves in the path of danger. Even though I do not think he gives me enough credit as the Queen of Multitasking – I can watch the game, draw trees and color ghosts between pitches – his concern has warrant. Foul balls come quick. We need to pay attention.

So, Jasper and I rehearsed the drill. “Heads up!” is the signal for us to throw our heads down between our knees. I have never thought of the conflict of language until I actually had to practice and explain it to a four year old. Leave it to a child to point out the fact that “Heads down!” would just make more sense.

This was not enough for Pat. He knows that a little body like Jasper's is no match for a ball whether hit or overthrown. So, this week, when he strolled across the warning track, leaned over to me as Jasper was sitting on my lap, and whispered, “If anything happens to my baby girl, it will be you and me”….I listened. Jasper and I agreed to pick up our cuddling, conversation and creativity between innings so she could return to her father who was packing a glove for protection during actual play.

I – like Pat Mahomes – have fallen in love with a brunette season ticket holder in the front row. Together she and I have had serious discussions about issues such as hot dog vs. chicken strips (hot dog hands down), the importance of “K’s” to a solid defensive outing, and the truth in bubbles as a positive addition to any sporting ambiance.

Jasper is a true fan, and as long as we practice safe fan etiquette, I hope to continue sharing our love of the game for seasons to come. As long as Jasper is my baseball buddy, “There is no crying in baseball” – only lyrics to Take Me Out to the Ballgame, high fives and lots of laughter.

Super Fan Jasper
























Here are some of the many faces of Jasper....sitting with daddy, cheering Pat on as he pitches, blowing bubbles and doing the YMCA!

Monday, August 11, 2008

Standing Still


I just finished reading Three Weeks with my Brother by Nicholas Sparks. I have to admit that I've never been a big fan of his novels and subsequent movies as they are a bit too sentimental for my taste. However, after reading this memoir, I have a completely new perspective on how he writes and the impetus for his work.

In Three Weeks, Sparks travels around the world with brother Micah. He does a beautiful job of taking the readers - not only to destinations such as Mayan Ruins, Easter Island, Malta, etc - but he also lets the readers journey with him as he revisits his childhood and all the landmarks that shaped him as a brother, son, husband, father and novelist.

Simply, I was inspired. Nicholas Sparks reminded me of the importance of sibling bonds and owning one’s family’s dynamics. “Perseverance and “stillness” are two words that I think of when reflecting of the book.

This past week, a friend of mine confessed his brain never allows him to be satisfied. He is highly successful, has achieved awards and positions at a young age, and has a family that loves, support and celebrates him. However, he never is satisfied….or still.

Granted, he has an extremely high pressure job. However, he never enjoys any of the success that comes with it. He only obsesses about the nuances of how to make it better. As he was midstream in a verbal rant, I found myself reaching out and placing my hand on his chest. He immediately looked confused – almost shocked – but he was silent. I just wanted my energy to quiet his heart.

Sparks refers to I Corinthians 10:13 in his book. God keeps his promise, and he will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the same time you are put to the test, he will give you the strength to endure it, and so provide you with a way out.

My past couple of years have been challenging. I have declared numerous times in my life that I am the strongest broad that I know and that I fear nothing…except God. In truth, as of late, I have never felt weaker or more afraid and yet….I have found a quietness that has saved my life.
I did not find this silence on my own. Ironically, it has taken a group of strangers to show me the path to reclaiming my own space and adjusting the volume in it. Right now, I am trudging through a personal path thick with mud and cockleburs. However, it will eventually wash off, and I can pick off the rest. More importantly, I have discovered that I can do it on my own time and in a quiet place. Once it is off, it may leave a film and a few scars, but ultimately I will feel lighter than ever before. I have been provided with a way out. But for right now… I am just standing still, breathing in and out and being quiet.


Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Eat, Pray, Love...always good advice

I read Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love and was inspired and changed. Go, now and buy your own copy so that you can highlight and write in it as you travel with Gilbert through countries and her own self-discovery. Following are my favorite "soundbites" from the book. In the weeks to come, I will be addressing some of them in upcoming blogs. In the meantime, which ones do you like? Why? Hit comment...and do just that!

The Bhagavad Gita – that ancient Indian Yogic text – says that it is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else’s life with perfection.

We were taught to be dependable, responsible, the top of our class at school, the most organized and efficient babysitters in town, the very miniature models of our hardworking farmer/nurse of a mother, a pair of junior Swiss army knives, born to multitask.

Ours is an entertainment seeking nation, but not necessarily a pleasure seeking one.

His is a sweet expression. Il Bel far niente means “the beauty of doing nothing.”

There’s another wonderful Italian expression: l’arte d’arrangiarsi –the art of making something out of nothing.

The great Sufi poet and philosopher Rumi once advised his students to write down the three things they most wanted in life. If any item on the list clashes with any other item, Rumi warned, you are destined for unhappiness. Better to live a life of single-pointed focus, he taught.

I wanted worldly enjoyment and divine transcendence – the dual glories of a human life. I wanted what the Greeks called kalos kai agathos, the singular balance of the good and the beautiful.

There’s a difference between meditation and prayer, though both practices seek communication with the divine. I’ve heard it said the prayer is the act of talking to God, while mediation is the act of listening.

My friend Bob, who is both a student of yoga and a neuroscientist, told me that he was always agitated by this idea of the chakras, that he wanted to actually see them in a dissected human body in order to believe they existed. But after a particularly transcendent meditative experience, he came away with a new understanding of it. He said, “Just as there exists in writing a literal truth and a poetic truth, there also exists in a human being a literally anatomy and a poetic anatomy. One, you can see; one, you cannot. One is made of bones and teeth and flesh; the other is made of energy and memory and faith. But they are both equally true.”

I met an old lady once, almost one hundred years old, and she told me, “There are only two questions that human beings have ever fought over, all through history. How much do you love me? And Who’s in charge? Everything else is somehow manageable. But these two questions of love and control undo us all, trip us up and cause war, grief and suffering.

… the Zen masters say that you cannot see your reflection in running water, only in still water.

Virginia Wolff wrote, “Across the broad continent of a woman’s life falls the shadow of a sword.” On one side of that sword, she said, there lies convention and tradition and order, where “all is correct.” But on the other side of that sword, if you’re crazy enough to cross it and choose a life the does not follow convention, “all is confusion. Nothing follows a regular course.” Her argument was that the crossing of the shadow of that sword may bring a far more interesting existence to a woman, but you can bet it will also be more perilous.

Prayer is a relationship; half of the job is mine. If I want transformation, but can’t even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I’m aiming for, how will it ever occur? Half the benefit of prayer is in the asking itself, in the offering of a clearly posed and well-considered intention. If you don’t have this, all your pleas and desires are boneless, floppy, inert; they swirl at your feet in a cold fog and never lift.

…I’m never going to be a wallflower, but that doesn’t mean I can’t take a serious look at my talking habits and alter some aspects for the better – working within my personality. Yes, I like talking, but perhaps I don’t have to curse so much, and perhaps I don’t always have to go for the cheap laugh, and maybe I don’t need to talk about myself quite so constantly. Or here’s a radical concept – maybe I can stop interrupting others when they are speaking. Because no matter how creatively I try to look at my habit of interrupting, I can’t find another way to see it that this: “I believe that what I am saying is more important than what you are saying.” And I can’t find another way to see that that: “I believe that I am more important that you.” And that must end.

Your treasure – your perfection – is within you already. But to claim it, you must leave the busy commotion of the mind and abandon the desires of the ego and enter into the silence of the heart. The kundalini shakti – the supreme energy of the divine – will take you there.

Your job, then, should you choose to accept it, is to keep searching for the metaphors, rituals and teachers that will help you move ever closer to divinity.

“You want to stay near the core of the thing – right in the hub of the wheel – not out of the edges where all the wild whirling takes place, where you can get frayed and crazy. The hub of calmness – that’s your heart. That’s where God lives within you. So stop looking for answers in the world. Just keep coming back to the center and you’ll always find peace.”

The child is taught from the earliest consciousness that she has these four brothers with her in the world wherever she goes, and that they will always look after her. The brothers inhabit the four virtues a person needs in order to be safe and happy in life: intelligence, friendship, strength and (I love this one) poetry. The brothers can be called upon in any critical situation for rescue and assistance. When you die, your four spirit brothers collect your soul and bring you to heaven.

Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. Fight for it, strive for it, insist on it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about your maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.

Clearing out all your misery gets you out of the way. You cease being an obstacle, not only to yourself but to anyone else. Only then are you free to serve and enjoy other people.

Hindus see the universe in terms of karma, a process of constant circulation, which is to say that you don’t really “end up” anywhere at the end of your life – not in heaven or hell – but just get recycled back to the earth again in another form, in order to resolve whatever relationships or mistakes you left uncompleted last time. When you finally achieve perfection, you graduate out of the cycle of entirely and melt into The Void. The notion of karma implies that heaven and hell are only to be found here on earth, where we have the capacity to create them, manufacturing either goodness or evil depending n our destinies and our characters.

Karma is a notion I’ve always liked. Not so much literally. Not necessarily because I believe that I used to be Cleopatra’s bartender – but more metaphorically. The karma philosophy appeals to me on a metaphorical level because even in one lifetime it’s obvious how often we must repeat our same mistakes, banging our heads against the same old addictions and consequence, until we can finally stop and fix it. This is the supreme lesson of karma (and also of Western psychology, by the way) – take care of the problems now, or else you’ll just have to suffer again later when you screw everything up the next time. And that repetition of suffering – that’s hell. Moving out of that endless repetition to a new level of understanding – there’s where you’ll find heaven.
“To lose balance for love is part of living a balanced life.”

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Wings and Wheels


My father always said that his daughters were born with wings and wheels on their asses. It is true; I resemble that statement.

When I was little, my mother, my siblings and I would go on impromptu road trips. I so wanted to love the adventures of running away to my aunt and uncle’s in Minnesota in the middle of the night or to my other aunt’s apartment in the – always exciting – city of Sioux Falls. However, I knew that we were not running to an exotic destination but rather from the reality of our own home. Eventually my dad sobered up, my parents figured it out and we no longer took regular “time-out” trips. However, the need to change my scenery in order to fill my creative coffer or to straighten my spiritual path has remained a necessity.

I love to walk, run, drive and fly…alone. Life is so simple when I am driving on south on I29 to Haymarket Park in Lincoln or east on I90 to Chicago. Whether I am power walking around Ottertail Lake or on a run from Washington Heights to Chelsea Piers, I finish feeling refreshed and full.

I took this photo of a homeless man whose entire life is on four wheels . He is waiting to cross traffic on the corner of Bleeker and Bank in the West Village. What I love about the shot is the organization and patience that radiates from the shot. Here is a man who – seemingly – has nothing but it is All delicately afloat four small casters.

However, all I can see is the freedom of the wheels, the serenity of knowing where he came from, and the balance of his belongings.

Friday, July 18, 2008

The Lutheran Slap

How can people not believe in God or is some type of higher power? I think this a lot. During the journey to relocate Valerie to South Dakota – the homeless woman I brought back from nyc – I thought this over and over. Just when I wanted to give up, to walk away, to tell her to “kiss my sd backside,” God always reached in and planted a Lutheran slap. You know the one…when you were little and turned to watch Bev Riedel play the organ in the balcony or to see if the “todiefor” McGee boys made it to the back pew…BAM, dad’s finger tips would find the back of my head, hard and sharp. God does that. When I quit paying attention, he reaches right down and….BAM, reminds me to focus on what is at front of me.

Right now, I am sitting on the deck of my friend's cabin on Lake Herman with God…he says “hi” by the way. I am writing outside at 10 pm with a cool breeze, acrobatic fireflies, and a view of the moon and its reflection off the lake that must have been the inspiration for VanGough, Whitman, and Lewis and Clark.

Earlier, I went out for a long walk and watched the sun go down. The deep merlot red and the burning gold colors of a SD sun are so intensely vibrant that they cannot be captured on my camera. It just looks like an extreme close up of the head of a burning match over a treeless, green linoleum.

Yesterday, someone told me that God grants blessings and forgiveness without us even asking for it. She said that randomly a person would reappear in her life or a name would resurface that would immediately conjure up feelings of resentment, but she could not remember why. She confessed, “I know they offended or betrayed me in some way; but, for the life of me, I could not remember the exact incident. Therefore, I must have forgiven them if I could not remember it. “
This has happened to me!

Do not get me wrong, I am not, by nature, a resentful person. I have been blessed with a chronic amnesia that allows me to love students and my own children the most when they act like they want and/or deserve it the least. Therefore, I do not seem to remember hurtful acts or comments. Resentment just leads to other ugly emotions like anger and jealousy for which I just do not have the energy.

However, I have a small handful of people (specifically five) that I just rather not be around, discuss or address. All five live in the same town as I. Three of the five were acquaintances in college the other two were colleagues at a former job over a decade ago. After hearing this woman describe “passive forgiveness” I immediately thought of these people. I even confessed that my feelings totaled almost 100 years of ill will…ohmygosh! I immediately forgave these people and myself wasting the space in my body with such frivolous negativity.

That was not enough for God…oh no, I got a huge Lutheran slap. This morning I randomly went into a coffee shop and there sat Tracy – one of the five. I rarely see her, and in 25 years I have never acknowledged her. BAM. I turned around in my pew and followed her out the door.

“Hi Tracy.”
“Ummm…hi Kim.”
“Gosh, it is nice to see you. Do you live around in this neighborhood?”
“Ummm…no.” (she looked around like she was expecting camera crews).

I continued small talk, she hesitantly, while inching toward her vehicle, answer my questions.

Finally, I said, “It was really nice to see you and a treat to catch up. Take care.”

God is a funny dude. He heard me thinking and praying about this; so, just for giggles he decided to let me try out this new theory. Thank “God,” I have always been pretty good at pop quizzes. It felt good to let it go….and, frankly, her horrified expression in my head is a much more fun snapshot than the one I had of her from SDSU in 1984. Is that bad? God, please forgive me.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

The Bronx were Burning with Bartlings


I have a shameful secret in my house. I always thought I had been pro-active in keeping my home safe from the infection. However, I am as red with shame as the color of sickness itself. My son Tyler….this is so painful to ….my son Tyler….sorry, I just need to take a breath and choke back a sob….my son… Tyler… is a Boston Red Sox Fan. I am a Yankees girl, and I bleed blue.

Where did I go wrong? We have served as a host family to over 30 Canary players (a local, minor league team) in the past 12 years. Is one of the players who we graciously – and naively –welcomed into home to blame? Did one of them expose him to the deep, dark drug called “the Sox?” When did the Green Monster sneak into my home and steal my son’s innocent, baseball soul?

I may only have myself to blame. Yes, I may have overexposed my boys to my own addiction at too young of an age. We rarely missed a home game at the Birdcage, and when Tyler was old enough to apply for a part time job, I encouraged him to go to work where we had played for so many innings, hours and seasons. My children sat on the third baseline on countless summer evenings watching names like Steve Howe, Darryl Strawberry, Ozzie Conseco, Jack Morris, JD Drew, Pat Mahomes and George Sherrill work their way back, around and out of major league baseball. In our home, we celebrated the opening day of MLB as enthusiastically as Easter and Birthdays…with presents, cake and decorations. All of these are holidays are rich with hope, growth, and resurrection.

However, it was the purple cowboy outfit that was the beginning of my son’s blatant defiance to blue pinstripes. He blamed me. He wanted me to pay.

One of the items of Ty’s job description was to don a purple cowboy outfit, strum a stringless guitar and lipsynch “Happy Trails to You” when the opposing team pulled their starting pitcher. This “performance” took place on the opposing team’s dugout. The outfit itself was the issue. The chaps, the vest and the 10 gallon cowboy hat were all made out of purple bathroom mats…the hot, furry, 1970’s kind. Tyler continues to hold me accountable for insisting that one learns work ethic by sticking it out and sucking it up. If I had only known the severity of the long term effects…..

I take victories where I can find them. I celebrate my son’s love of baseball. Like me, he loves the sound of a wooden bat; he has an unbridled vocal and physical enthusiasm for a well turned double play or a key long ball; he respects the game and its players.

Two weeks ago, I threw a breaking ball. I told him that we needed to have a serious talk. He turned white. “What? What now? Just tell me?” I informed him that it was serious enough that he would need to take a day off of work….I threw him off, and I meant business. Then came the curve. “You and I are going to Yankee Stadium, in its last season, to watch the Yankees and the Sox.” I sat him on his ass.

On Sunday, July 6th, my son, Tyler, and I walked into Yankee Stadium. Me in my Bernie Williams #51 official Subway Series jersey and he in his Manny Rameriz #24 t-shirt. Together Ty and I have walked through Italy and shared the works of Michelangelo, the canals of Venice and the shores of Capri, but walking to our sweet seats between 3rd base and Monument Park may have been one of my favorite moments of all time.

The final score was 5-4 Yankees in 10 innings. Joba was the starting pitcher, Mario Rivera closed it out and Alex Rodriguez homered to deep left…I was thrilled. Tyler was verbally abused…but he, too , was pretty, darn happy. Together we shared a gorgeous night in the Bronx, a great game complete with extra innings, and a passion and love of the game of baseball.

July 6th, 2008







Monday, July 14, 2008

This Week’s Summer Play List

Hit Me With Your Best Shot – Pat Benetar
32 Flavors – Ani DiFranco
Back in Black – ACDC
Bitch – Meredith Brooks
Spring Awakening - the entire musical soundtrack
Send Me On My Way – Rusted Root

To Tat or Not to Tat


I have pondered the “To Tat or Not to Tat” question throughout the last ten years of my life. I never had the temptation to go under the ink-filled needle until my mid-thirties. Why now? Peer pressure. From my best friend to my sister, the demographic for tattoos is certainly wider…and older.

When we were young and stupid – some people call this college – we pierced a lot of places and hung safety pins from the holes. I think at one point in 1982, I had a grand total of 4 holes in my left ear, 1 in my right, and proudly sported a nose ring. This combined with my two-tier blonde and fuchsia bob, fishnet hosiery and sequined eyelids, I had morphed myself into a Midwest Kim Wilde (those born before 1950 and after 1970 may want to Google her); Kim Wilde wasn’t just a pseudonym, it was a way of living.

But tattoo?….only Vietnam vets and convicts did that.

When my son turned 18, he practically ran to the nearest tattoo parlor. I didn’t just tag along; I drove the car. I was there for all the other celebrations of marking his body: his birth, butter-flying his thigh shut after a deep cut and the piercing of an ear in middle school. I was going to painfully participate in this too. I realize that one of the reasons that Tyler was so adamant about getting inked up was that - well -he could….and without my permission. So, I have to think it a small victory that I was even told the time and place of the permanent physical marking.

I offered three suggested thoughts – a tattoo parlor is no place one uses the word “rules.”

1. No cute little cartoon character. One may feel like the Tasmanian Devil as you tear through life, but when you are applying for a job that has a real salary with benefits attached, a small African rodent peeking from under a pant leg doesn’t tell your future employer that you are a person one can trust with adult tasks and grown-up decisions.

2. Speaking of pant legs…put the tattoo someplace which is easily masked by clothing or hair. Tyler chose an interesting Celtic symbol, but - at first - he had it way down on his bicep too close to his elbow; if he was to have to sport – God forbid – a company polo shirt, the design would draw the wrong type of attention.

3. Avoid phrases and names. As the world turns, so does the tide of events. So even though the Beastie Boys’ “Fight for your right to party” serves your current mantra, times change, and so will your theme songs. And names? Unless you are biding homage to someone named Hope, Faith, Grace, Justice or Christian…do not set yourself up for disappointment.

I have never been comfortable enough in my skin to want to draw attention to any specific part of it. Also, I had trouble deciding and committing to just one salad dressing at lunch today; the thought of picking a design to sport through my geriatric years is just too…permanent.

However, if I had to pick today, I would probably go for the Chinese symbol for serenity. I would put it on my neck so that serenity would coat my brain and ooze down my spine. Also, it would serve as a bookmark for my favorite prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Gold Medal Beauty

My first memories of my mother are…my first memories. My hair hurts. My head hurt. Curlers – not greed - are the root of all evil. In my first baby photo, I had a total of - maybe - 7 hairs….all curled. From then until I turned 13, every picture in our family album my hair was either piled on my head full of pins and spray or…in curlers wrapped with toilet paper. Like all writers, I am the author of my own history….however, mine are confirmed by photographs.

My mother’s only education is beauty school. I was her best student. Interestingly, my mother never had much to say about my wardrobe. This was not part of her curriculum. Also, it was obvious early, that we were not going to share the same form. Tall and lean, my mother lived on days of fad diets and evenings of popcorn. Built my like my father’s mother, I, too am tall, but a large ass and overflowing bust made me a target at a young age. The teasing was endless; the moniker of “Triple B” (big butt, boobs and baby)still is stamped on the inside of my brain. This was the beginning of my love/hate relationship with my body.

Mom brought me to Montgomery Wards to buy my first bra. My mother was always easy to find in stores. It was just a matter of looking up. Over the racks of clothing and the selves of cosmetics, her hair was like a beacon high above steep cliffs of merchandize. I was lost in the storm of bras. They intimidated me with their jagged rows of hooks and suffocating thick fabric. Why would I want to add depth and weight to an area already thicker than my peers? Nothing fit. Nothing was creating the illusion of a flat chest as I had hoped. Mom’s impatience added volume to her suggestion of “I am just going to buy an ace bandage and roll you up in it,” causing all eyes to assess the problem of this pubescent child. To this day, shopping for bras, along with jeans and bathing suits, requires extended mental preparation, a glass of wine and a friend who is an excellent liar.

Mom always had a new diet for me…chalky shakes, cabbage soup and caffeine-packed candy. When shuffling through the pictures of my youth, I cannot seem to find that image that rendered her fat fear. I was athletic; I was thin. She would probably say, “…and you are welcome.”

Boys dated me to be near my mother. It is true. She was a beauty…still is. Her youthfulness was two fold. She not only looked young, she acted it. She laughed, she hugged, and she played. Mom was so entertained her children. At 67, she continues played with us…waterskiing, fishing, cards, rollerblading, dominos and trampoline jumping. Not too many years ago, I came home from work to find a note from my 10 year old son saying that he and grandma had gone around the block to McKennan Park to ice skate. There she was in the middle of the rink, doing one of those Olympic spins where the individual blurs into a personified tornado. She had on her fringed buckskin coat. It was – she was – poetry in motion, and not a hair moved or was out of place.

Last week, I swung by a local restaurant to say hi to my mom as she was meeting friends from high school. The husbands of her former classmates must have been green with envy. While their wives had aged into visual pictures of Midwest grandmothers with grey helmet hair and the “I give up outfit” of jean cropped pants and camp shirts, my mother looked – well – sexy.

Long before “Stacy’s mom had it going on” and terms such a MILF and cougar, there was my mother - tall, elegant, tanned, stylish and perfectly coiffed. However, her real beauty is that she has no idea of her stunning physicality. She is too busy serving a community, spoiling her family, playing, laughing and praying in her world….and that is truly beautiful.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Royal Blood




I took these shots of nieces Sydni and Jadyn on Sunday...I am so inspired that tomorrow I may go to work dressed like Wonder Woman!

Cancer Sucks

Troubleshooting Cancer

My Dad is Trouble and Someday I Just Want to Shoot Him

I talk…a lot. Ask anyone to describe me and the visceral responses are usually, “she talks too much” or “she is too opinionated.” My father once told me that “I had diarrhea of the mouth.” It isn’t pretty, and I can’t deny those descriptions. However, my real strength is my ability to not speak. It’s true; I can also be quiet for hours on end.
As a theatre director, I spend half of my life quietly sitting in darkened houses – observing, assessing, feeling, and troubleshooting.
These skills - that I continue to hone in the dark - came to light during my dad’s time in the hospital following his colon and rectal surgery and during all the subsequent visits and stays thereafter. I can sit in a room and say nothing…for a long time. This is important when the one you are sitting with is in pain or is scared – language is not normally welcomed but having someone sharing the silence with you is.

I have heard people describe knowing that they are have found “the one” because they are so comfortable with that other person that they can take road trips or watch TV and just sit…just be. The need to speak is not necessary. Ohmygosh…I think that I may be “the one” for my father.

I troubleshoot for a living. I have to make sure schedules work – actors, advisees, technicians, faculty committees. I have to balance this along with making sure my men gets to family functions, school and church events, appointments, and work. This also takes a certain amount of vision. I see that when the third dancer from the right does that twirl during the first chorus, she will run into the upstage staircase. Therefore, I need to move her or adjust the design. If an actor has to go be at work at Tuesday at 6 pm in order to pay his tuition so that he can then be in the play; well then, I cannot work the scene or act that he is in on Tuesday at 6 pm and need to revisit the schedule. If I know that I am meeting with an advisee who is failing a required general class (for the second time), there may be tears. So, I make sure my phone is turned off and the Kleenex are available. If my son’s car insurance is due, and I know he can’t make the payment this month, I just make the transfer. Troubleshooting protects those I care about from getting hurt.

Listening and troubleshooting are inseparable. When my father is still in the hospital 10 days longer than he expected, I plant myself next to him. When he shifts more than three times in one minute, I remember to grab his robe and tell him I ready for a walk and ask if he would like to join me. When his tasteless food arrives, I remember that I need to run to the gas station and that V8 and granola bars are there anyway, so I will just pick some up. When he tries to control visitors (family included) with dialogue infected with sarcasm and abrasive opinions that seem hurtful, I remember that he has absolutely no control of physical condition and that he hurts. So when I bite my tongue and nod, I am helping him ease the pain. If I see something coming I do not hesitate to divert it or grab it. It is just troubleshooting.

And by the way, after spending 5 to 10 hours a day is a darkened theater just listening, it is no wonder I talk a lot when I finally get the chance….just ask me.

It's Not World Peace

My 3 am Thoughts…

My friend Mary Garry’s, “It’s not world peace” is a kinder, gentler version of my father’s “You are not nearly as important as you think you are” that I grew up with. Both aphorisms have served me well.

Like every child I cringe to believe – let alone acknowledge – that I have grown up to be my parents. My mom is exempt from this trepidation as I could only hope to grow up to be the kind, selfless, and beautiful woman she is. If it takes a village, my mother is the mayor, the preacher, the teacher and hairdresser all rolled into one. My dad, on the other hand, is the terrifying authorities feared in such shows that I grew up with like The Rifleman, Gunsmoke, Hawaii 50 and Ironside.

When I was young, I remember my father – exasperated – spit, “You are either way up or way down; there it is no in between.” Then, I became a high school teacher. Much to my surprise, I discovered that I had been no different than every other teenager girl. Dad clearly needed to get out more.

Like my father, I enjoy a good story. Like my father, I talk with my hands. Like my father, I tend to hyperbolize. If I was 20 years younger, my overactive, creative brain would have probably gotten me a diagnosis of ADHD; but in the late 60’s and early 70’s it just got me in a lot of trouble. Episodes of being tied into a chair, locked in a storage closet, and having my mouth duct taped shut were all acceptable prescriptions for overzealous educational enthusiasm in my elementary schools.

If I am a drama queen; my father is the tyrant. Unlike my father, I have turned my ability to dramatize into a profit. And, unlike my father, I know when to shut the show down. My students know that it only takes a soft, “Kim, can I talk to you a minute?” for them to see that my time and ear is their’s. When lines are not memorized, the set is not dry (and it is opening night), tickets are not selling and the lead actor has been puking since 4 am, I typically just take a breath, say a prayer and repeat, “It’s not world peace, “and great wave of quiet priority floats me through the moment as I am reminded that this is not about me. “I am not nearly as important as I think I am.” Life is just easier when your self-serve line in life goes out of order, and you have to float to find the humor and honor.

Stoma, feces, and open incisions are grotesque props to the dramatic climax of a colostomy. There is nothing attractive about any of it. My father’s new aesthetic caused my mother to – literally – swoon….and not in a good way. The village nurse she will never be. I saw it coming in my periphery, so I simply walked over, held her elbow subtly and sat her down so she did not faint. In the meantime, I was light headed. I chocked back gags. I asked lots of questions….and I smiled the entire time. I gave a Tony Award winning performance because you see, “I am not nearly as important as I think I am.”

My dad is the protagonist in this drama, and like all great stage heroes, his first lines were to all of us was, “Faith and family are the most important things we have.” Okay, so he was still doped up or morphine, but it was pretty dramatic and delivered right on cue.

My village has been infected with cancer, but the show must go on. My dad continues to cast me in this supporting role of nursemaid, whipping girl and security guard. I was the 1st girl on the right at 3 am in his hospital room as he recovered from surgery, and I continue to be his antagonist during his chemo sessions. He has never offered me a kind word nor a rave review.

Only once did he offer the ultimate sacrifice –his hospital room’s remote control. When you are donning a wardrobe of hospital robes, eating only jello and waiting for time to heal, the possession of the remote control is like the key to the Rosetta Stone. It was as close as I am ever going to get to a “Thank you” or a “Please, don’t go,” and that is okay.

“I am not nearly as important as I think I am” and this is may not be “world peace.” However, my relationship with my father is important, and I am learning that a quiet peace shared between the normal dramatics the two of us usually share, mean the world to me.

Poet Laureate of Sherman, SD

You know where sympathy is in the dictionary? Between shit and syphilis.


Ben Franklin and Winston Churchill have nothing on my dad. He is a blue collar wordsmith. My first memory of my father’s manipulation of the vernacular came early. When we would fall down and cry, as small children do, he would say, “Come over here, and I will pick you up.” This always seemed odd to me. If I could get up, I probably wouldn’t be crying. I have no memory of my dad ever picking me up.


My father did not show any of his children extended physical affection. That is not to say he that was not physical with us. My father liked to boast, “Some people call it fear; I call it respect.” In truth, he was probably more right than I wish. I did fear my father. He was quick to spank, and I was no stranger to the power of his hand wrapped around a razor strap. I was first introduced to the strap after an extended game of kick the can in the Brandon hood. The sun had gone down and so did the drama in my house. I received my last physical punishment at the age of 16. I got home past a curfew - that was never established - after being out with a boy he disliked. “You know when late is too late” he would say.


It was 2 am. There he stood, belt in hand. As I had to walk up gauntlet - up the three steps to the kitchen – instead of running downstairs to my room. I wish I would have hissed “Let them eat cake” as I peed the on my mother’s kitchen carpet. However, I was never as articulate as my father is those trying times. Our home was a landmine of unspoken, but punishable if infracted, laws.


A few years later, I visiting home from college on a Saturday. In truth, I probably came home to take advantage of my mom who would wash my clothes, pack me homemade food and slip me a twenty. I had plans for the evening which included dancing at the Revolution in downtown Sioux Falls, drinking 3.2 beer and crashing at my cousin Lori’s. Before heading out, my dad reminded me that church was at 9 am. This was not part of the plan. Since I was now in my second year of higher learning, it was official; I had more education than my parents. I knew things. I informed my father that I did not have to be in a building in order to pray and serve the Lord, and the tradition of Sunday church was archaic. My father sighed, “It is amazing that someone who is spending money to be smarter can become so dumb.” I may not have been the loudest voice singing “This is my Father’s World” the next morning, but my butt was in the pew.


My father had a mantra. From what I can tell, Dad’s “Pride will kill ya,” was his bumper sticker adaptation of his AA influenced “The Serenity Prayer.” We heard this phrase a lot. All through high school, this was his answer to everything….well, that followed close by “either you fix it or I will,” and “kill ‘em with kindness.” The later of these – in retrospect – seems odd advice from a man, who loves the fresh blood of landing a verbal kill.


I never talked back to my parents; I still don’t. However, I do have one moment of burning glory. My dad had just laid down a “pride will kill ya,” to which I responded, “I don’t think you are suppose to say that to your kids. I participate in every sport possible, serve in every club, have a part-time job all while getting mostly ‘A’s.’ Why aren’t you proud of me? Why shouldn’t I be proud of myself?” Frankly, I was could not have been more proud of myself at that moment….but as the Greeks can attest, pride can topple the biggest and best of us. Dad’s response was textbook Sylvin, “Pride will kill you” he muttered as he wickedly smiled, shook his head and walked to the other room.


Fast-forward to January 1984. I am a single parent of a 3 month old son, living in a low-income housing, receiving my monthly Aid to Dependent Children check, and reporting to WIC every other Saturday at the 4H Building for baby formula, KIX cereal and blocks of free cheese the size of my torso. Only once did I complain in front of my parents about my financial dependence on the State to which my father quickly retorted, “I have been working and paying taxes since I was 17, - your mother too – to help girls just like you. Suck it up, take the help, get an education, find a job, pay taxes, and help the next girl.”

Not long after that I was in the Brookings Hy-Vee using food stamps to buy groceries. The woman behind me had an opinion about my choices and had no problem sharing them with me. Evidently, she was acutely aware that her taxes were helping this girl. It was my father’s echo of “pride will kill ya” that allowed me to take my bags, smile (kill her with kindness) and just walk away.


If my sister was to contribute to this story, she would say that her favorite “dadism” is “how much corn do you think that would hold?” This question works whether visiting the Smithsonian, the Vatican or the neighbor’s silo. If you asked my children, they would instantaneously – complete with a Sylvin accent – harmonize a “Oh, Yeah.


Me? I may resemble his frequent assessment of someone who “is talking just to hear their head rattle,” but it was a calm morning in June when I witnessed my father at his most colorful and articulate. Evidently, dad found himself behind my son Tyler on a Sioux Falls street. Forever a motorhead, dad had been waiting 15 years to buy Tyler his first vehicle. He had also been waiting 15 years to teach Tyler the rules of the road. After tailing him around town and witnessing excess speed and other breeches of the driving handbook, my dad followed Tyler home. By the time I open the back door, dad was mid-rip. “Who do you think you are? Dale Earnhardt? Kid, if your head was any further up your ass, we are going to have to insert a plate glass window in your stomach just so we can have a conversation.”


Take that Eleanor Roosevelt. I could not have said it better. Copy. Print.