Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Eat, Pray, Love...always good advice

I read Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love and was inspired and changed. Go, now and buy your own copy so that you can highlight and write in it as you travel with Gilbert through countries and her own self-discovery. Following are my favorite "soundbites" from the book. In the weeks to come, I will be addressing some of them in upcoming blogs. In the meantime, which ones do you like? Why? Hit comment...and do just that!

The Bhagavad Gita – that ancient Indian Yogic text – says that it is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else’s life with perfection.

We were taught to be dependable, responsible, the top of our class at school, the most organized and efficient babysitters in town, the very miniature models of our hardworking farmer/nurse of a mother, a pair of junior Swiss army knives, born to multitask.

Ours is an entertainment seeking nation, but not necessarily a pleasure seeking one.

His is a sweet expression. Il Bel far niente means “the beauty of doing nothing.”

There’s another wonderful Italian expression: l’arte d’arrangiarsi –the art of making something out of nothing.

The great Sufi poet and philosopher Rumi once advised his students to write down the three things they most wanted in life. If any item on the list clashes with any other item, Rumi warned, you are destined for unhappiness. Better to live a life of single-pointed focus, he taught.

I wanted worldly enjoyment and divine transcendence – the dual glories of a human life. I wanted what the Greeks called kalos kai agathos, the singular balance of the good and the beautiful.

There’s a difference between meditation and prayer, though both practices seek communication with the divine. I’ve heard it said the prayer is the act of talking to God, while mediation is the act of listening.

My friend Bob, who is both a student of yoga and a neuroscientist, told me that he was always agitated by this idea of the chakras, that he wanted to actually see them in a dissected human body in order to believe they existed. But after a particularly transcendent meditative experience, he came away with a new understanding of it. He said, “Just as there exists in writing a literal truth and a poetic truth, there also exists in a human being a literally anatomy and a poetic anatomy. One, you can see; one, you cannot. One is made of bones and teeth and flesh; the other is made of energy and memory and faith. But they are both equally true.”

I met an old lady once, almost one hundred years old, and she told me, “There are only two questions that human beings have ever fought over, all through history. How much do you love me? And Who’s in charge? Everything else is somehow manageable. But these two questions of love and control undo us all, trip us up and cause war, grief and suffering.

… the Zen masters say that you cannot see your reflection in running water, only in still water.

Virginia Wolff wrote, “Across the broad continent of a woman’s life falls the shadow of a sword.” On one side of that sword, she said, there lies convention and tradition and order, where “all is correct.” But on the other side of that sword, if you’re crazy enough to cross it and choose a life the does not follow convention, “all is confusion. Nothing follows a regular course.” Her argument was that the crossing of the shadow of that sword may bring a far more interesting existence to a woman, but you can bet it will also be more perilous.

Prayer is a relationship; half of the job is mine. If I want transformation, but can’t even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I’m aiming for, how will it ever occur? Half the benefit of prayer is in the asking itself, in the offering of a clearly posed and well-considered intention. If you don’t have this, all your pleas and desires are boneless, floppy, inert; they swirl at your feet in a cold fog and never lift.

…I’m never going to be a wallflower, but that doesn’t mean I can’t take a serious look at my talking habits and alter some aspects for the better – working within my personality. Yes, I like talking, but perhaps I don’t have to curse so much, and perhaps I don’t always have to go for the cheap laugh, and maybe I don’t need to talk about myself quite so constantly. Or here’s a radical concept – maybe I can stop interrupting others when they are speaking. Because no matter how creatively I try to look at my habit of interrupting, I can’t find another way to see it that this: “I believe that what I am saying is more important than what you are saying.” And I can’t find another way to see that that: “I believe that I am more important that you.” And that must end.

Your treasure – your perfection – is within you already. But to claim it, you must leave the busy commotion of the mind and abandon the desires of the ego and enter into the silence of the heart. The kundalini shakti – the supreme energy of the divine – will take you there.

Your job, then, should you choose to accept it, is to keep searching for the metaphors, rituals and teachers that will help you move ever closer to divinity.

“You want to stay near the core of the thing – right in the hub of the wheel – not out of the edges where all the wild whirling takes place, where you can get frayed and crazy. The hub of calmness – that’s your heart. That’s where God lives within you. So stop looking for answers in the world. Just keep coming back to the center and you’ll always find peace.”

The child is taught from the earliest consciousness that she has these four brothers with her in the world wherever she goes, and that they will always look after her. The brothers inhabit the four virtues a person needs in order to be safe and happy in life: intelligence, friendship, strength and (I love this one) poetry. The brothers can be called upon in any critical situation for rescue and assistance. When you die, your four spirit brothers collect your soul and bring you to heaven.

Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. Fight for it, strive for it, insist on it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about your maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.

Clearing out all your misery gets you out of the way. You cease being an obstacle, not only to yourself but to anyone else. Only then are you free to serve and enjoy other people.

Hindus see the universe in terms of karma, a process of constant circulation, which is to say that you don’t really “end up” anywhere at the end of your life – not in heaven or hell – but just get recycled back to the earth again in another form, in order to resolve whatever relationships or mistakes you left uncompleted last time. When you finally achieve perfection, you graduate out of the cycle of entirely and melt into The Void. The notion of karma implies that heaven and hell are only to be found here on earth, where we have the capacity to create them, manufacturing either goodness or evil depending n our destinies and our characters.

Karma is a notion I’ve always liked. Not so much literally. Not necessarily because I believe that I used to be Cleopatra’s bartender – but more metaphorically. The karma philosophy appeals to me on a metaphorical level because even in one lifetime it’s obvious how often we must repeat our same mistakes, banging our heads against the same old addictions and consequence, until we can finally stop and fix it. This is the supreme lesson of karma (and also of Western psychology, by the way) – take care of the problems now, or else you’ll just have to suffer again later when you screw everything up the next time. And that repetition of suffering – that’s hell. Moving out of that endless repetition to a new level of understanding – there’s where you’ll find heaven.
“To lose balance for love is part of living a balanced life.”

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Wings and Wheels


My father always said that his daughters were born with wings and wheels on their asses. It is true; I resemble that statement.

When I was little, my mother, my siblings and I would go on impromptu road trips. I so wanted to love the adventures of running away to my aunt and uncle’s in Minnesota in the middle of the night or to my other aunt’s apartment in the – always exciting – city of Sioux Falls. However, I knew that we were not running to an exotic destination but rather from the reality of our own home. Eventually my dad sobered up, my parents figured it out and we no longer took regular “time-out” trips. However, the need to change my scenery in order to fill my creative coffer or to straighten my spiritual path has remained a necessity.

I love to walk, run, drive and fly…alone. Life is so simple when I am driving on south on I29 to Haymarket Park in Lincoln or east on I90 to Chicago. Whether I am power walking around Ottertail Lake or on a run from Washington Heights to Chelsea Piers, I finish feeling refreshed and full.

I took this photo of a homeless man whose entire life is on four wheels . He is waiting to cross traffic on the corner of Bleeker and Bank in the West Village. What I love about the shot is the organization and patience that radiates from the shot. Here is a man who – seemingly – has nothing but it is All delicately afloat four small casters.

However, all I can see is the freedom of the wheels, the serenity of knowing where he came from, and the balance of his belongings.

Friday, July 18, 2008

The Lutheran Slap

How can people not believe in God or is some type of higher power? I think this a lot. During the journey to relocate Valerie to South Dakota – the homeless woman I brought back from nyc – I thought this over and over. Just when I wanted to give up, to walk away, to tell her to “kiss my sd backside,” God always reached in and planted a Lutheran slap. You know the one…when you were little and turned to watch Bev Riedel play the organ in the balcony or to see if the “todiefor” McGee boys made it to the back pew…BAM, dad’s finger tips would find the back of my head, hard and sharp. God does that. When I quit paying attention, he reaches right down and….BAM, reminds me to focus on what is at front of me.

Right now, I am sitting on the deck of my friend's cabin on Lake Herman with God…he says “hi” by the way. I am writing outside at 10 pm with a cool breeze, acrobatic fireflies, and a view of the moon and its reflection off the lake that must have been the inspiration for VanGough, Whitman, and Lewis and Clark.

Earlier, I went out for a long walk and watched the sun go down. The deep merlot red and the burning gold colors of a SD sun are so intensely vibrant that they cannot be captured on my camera. It just looks like an extreme close up of the head of a burning match over a treeless, green linoleum.

Yesterday, someone told me that God grants blessings and forgiveness without us even asking for it. She said that randomly a person would reappear in her life or a name would resurface that would immediately conjure up feelings of resentment, but she could not remember why. She confessed, “I know they offended or betrayed me in some way; but, for the life of me, I could not remember the exact incident. Therefore, I must have forgiven them if I could not remember it. “
This has happened to me!

Do not get me wrong, I am not, by nature, a resentful person. I have been blessed with a chronic amnesia that allows me to love students and my own children the most when they act like they want and/or deserve it the least. Therefore, I do not seem to remember hurtful acts or comments. Resentment just leads to other ugly emotions like anger and jealousy for which I just do not have the energy.

However, I have a small handful of people (specifically five) that I just rather not be around, discuss or address. All five live in the same town as I. Three of the five were acquaintances in college the other two were colleagues at a former job over a decade ago. After hearing this woman describe “passive forgiveness” I immediately thought of these people. I even confessed that my feelings totaled almost 100 years of ill will…ohmygosh! I immediately forgave these people and myself wasting the space in my body with such frivolous negativity.

That was not enough for God…oh no, I got a huge Lutheran slap. This morning I randomly went into a coffee shop and there sat Tracy – one of the five. I rarely see her, and in 25 years I have never acknowledged her. BAM. I turned around in my pew and followed her out the door.

“Hi Tracy.”
“Ummm…hi Kim.”
“Gosh, it is nice to see you. Do you live around in this neighborhood?”
“Ummm…no.” (she looked around like she was expecting camera crews).

I continued small talk, she hesitantly, while inching toward her vehicle, answer my questions.

Finally, I said, “It was really nice to see you and a treat to catch up. Take care.”

God is a funny dude. He heard me thinking and praying about this; so, just for giggles he decided to let me try out this new theory. Thank “God,” I have always been pretty good at pop quizzes. It felt good to let it go….and, frankly, her horrified expression in my head is a much more fun snapshot than the one I had of her from SDSU in 1984. Is that bad? God, please forgive me.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

The Bronx were Burning with Bartlings


I have a shameful secret in my house. I always thought I had been pro-active in keeping my home safe from the infection. However, I am as red with shame as the color of sickness itself. My son Tyler….this is so painful to ….my son Tyler….sorry, I just need to take a breath and choke back a sob….my son… Tyler… is a Boston Red Sox Fan. I am a Yankees girl, and I bleed blue.

Where did I go wrong? We have served as a host family to over 30 Canary players (a local, minor league team) in the past 12 years. Is one of the players who we graciously – and naively –welcomed into home to blame? Did one of them expose him to the deep, dark drug called “the Sox?” When did the Green Monster sneak into my home and steal my son’s innocent, baseball soul?

I may only have myself to blame. Yes, I may have overexposed my boys to my own addiction at too young of an age. We rarely missed a home game at the Birdcage, and when Tyler was old enough to apply for a part time job, I encouraged him to go to work where we had played for so many innings, hours and seasons. My children sat on the third baseline on countless summer evenings watching names like Steve Howe, Darryl Strawberry, Ozzie Conseco, Jack Morris, JD Drew, Pat Mahomes and George Sherrill work their way back, around and out of major league baseball. In our home, we celebrated the opening day of MLB as enthusiastically as Easter and Birthdays…with presents, cake and decorations. All of these are holidays are rich with hope, growth, and resurrection.

However, it was the purple cowboy outfit that was the beginning of my son’s blatant defiance to blue pinstripes. He blamed me. He wanted me to pay.

One of the items of Ty’s job description was to don a purple cowboy outfit, strum a stringless guitar and lipsynch “Happy Trails to You” when the opposing team pulled their starting pitcher. This “performance” took place on the opposing team’s dugout. The outfit itself was the issue. The chaps, the vest and the 10 gallon cowboy hat were all made out of purple bathroom mats…the hot, furry, 1970’s kind. Tyler continues to hold me accountable for insisting that one learns work ethic by sticking it out and sucking it up. If I had only known the severity of the long term effects…..

I take victories where I can find them. I celebrate my son’s love of baseball. Like me, he loves the sound of a wooden bat; he has an unbridled vocal and physical enthusiasm for a well turned double play or a key long ball; he respects the game and its players.

Two weeks ago, I threw a breaking ball. I told him that we needed to have a serious talk. He turned white. “What? What now? Just tell me?” I informed him that it was serious enough that he would need to take a day off of work….I threw him off, and I meant business. Then came the curve. “You and I are going to Yankee Stadium, in its last season, to watch the Yankees and the Sox.” I sat him on his ass.

On Sunday, July 6th, my son, Tyler, and I walked into Yankee Stadium. Me in my Bernie Williams #51 official Subway Series jersey and he in his Manny Rameriz #24 t-shirt. Together Ty and I have walked through Italy and shared the works of Michelangelo, the canals of Venice and the shores of Capri, but walking to our sweet seats between 3rd base and Monument Park may have been one of my favorite moments of all time.

The final score was 5-4 Yankees in 10 innings. Joba was the starting pitcher, Mario Rivera closed it out and Alex Rodriguez homered to deep left…I was thrilled. Tyler was verbally abused…but he, too , was pretty, darn happy. Together we shared a gorgeous night in the Bronx, a great game complete with extra innings, and a passion and love of the game of baseball.

July 6th, 2008







Monday, July 14, 2008

This Week’s Summer Play List

Hit Me With Your Best Shot – Pat Benetar
32 Flavors – Ani DiFranco
Back in Black – ACDC
Bitch – Meredith Brooks
Spring Awakening - the entire musical soundtrack
Send Me On My Way – Rusted Root

To Tat or Not to Tat


I have pondered the “To Tat or Not to Tat” question throughout the last ten years of my life. I never had the temptation to go under the ink-filled needle until my mid-thirties. Why now? Peer pressure. From my best friend to my sister, the demographic for tattoos is certainly wider…and older.

When we were young and stupid – some people call this college – we pierced a lot of places and hung safety pins from the holes. I think at one point in 1982, I had a grand total of 4 holes in my left ear, 1 in my right, and proudly sported a nose ring. This combined with my two-tier blonde and fuchsia bob, fishnet hosiery and sequined eyelids, I had morphed myself into a Midwest Kim Wilde (those born before 1950 and after 1970 may want to Google her); Kim Wilde wasn’t just a pseudonym, it was a way of living.

But tattoo?….only Vietnam vets and convicts did that.

When my son turned 18, he practically ran to the nearest tattoo parlor. I didn’t just tag along; I drove the car. I was there for all the other celebrations of marking his body: his birth, butter-flying his thigh shut after a deep cut and the piercing of an ear in middle school. I was going to painfully participate in this too. I realize that one of the reasons that Tyler was so adamant about getting inked up was that - well -he could….and without my permission. So, I have to think it a small victory that I was even told the time and place of the permanent physical marking.

I offered three suggested thoughts – a tattoo parlor is no place one uses the word “rules.”

1. No cute little cartoon character. One may feel like the Tasmanian Devil as you tear through life, but when you are applying for a job that has a real salary with benefits attached, a small African rodent peeking from under a pant leg doesn’t tell your future employer that you are a person one can trust with adult tasks and grown-up decisions.

2. Speaking of pant legs…put the tattoo someplace which is easily masked by clothing or hair. Tyler chose an interesting Celtic symbol, but - at first - he had it way down on his bicep too close to his elbow; if he was to have to sport – God forbid – a company polo shirt, the design would draw the wrong type of attention.

3. Avoid phrases and names. As the world turns, so does the tide of events. So even though the Beastie Boys’ “Fight for your right to party” serves your current mantra, times change, and so will your theme songs. And names? Unless you are biding homage to someone named Hope, Faith, Grace, Justice or Christian…do not set yourself up for disappointment.

I have never been comfortable enough in my skin to want to draw attention to any specific part of it. Also, I had trouble deciding and committing to just one salad dressing at lunch today; the thought of picking a design to sport through my geriatric years is just too…permanent.

However, if I had to pick today, I would probably go for the Chinese symbol for serenity. I would put it on my neck so that serenity would coat my brain and ooze down my spine. Also, it would serve as a bookmark for my favorite prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.