Ode to Eva

Eva Mary Bartling entered the world at 1:30 am on 1/4/14 at Avera McKennan Hospital. She was 5 lbs 14 oz. I missed it.

The night was a telephone blur. My sister. My son. Tears. My Mom. Tears. My Sister again. I started packing. Tears. Mary Bunkers. Dick. Tears. The baby is born. Tyler can only say, "She is so cute and so small" over and over. Katie. She is the first to call me, "Grandma." I say, "Kate, you promised me that you wouldn't have her early."  Tears. 

Five days later, I am resolved to stay in Belize until my 23rd departure date.  I have been told again and again, "Those babies there need you too. Eva will be waiting to be loved on upon your return." This is true but hard. I rarely miss major family events. I have never not been on the sideline of my son's milestones. I missed this. 

My sister appealed to my Schetnan sensibilities. "This will be a great story to tell her, and we Schetnan's love a good story." This is true. Her birth will always be told with a level of urgency and fear - love and relief....and Grandma Bartling was in Belize.

The reality is that Eva will always know - from day one - a true fact. Grandma Kim is rarely home.  Great Grandpa Syl would have been so proud of Eva's birth and so mad at Grandma Kim. "Raised 2 daughters with wheels on their feet and wings on their asses. This time it cost her."  I can hear his voice in my ear. 

It is true.  I will never be able to tell Eva what she looked like at an hour, a day, or a week. I ache knowing I lost two weeks of rocking her in NICU.  I could be sending my own pics to family and friends instead of relying of pics being sent to me via texts and FB. I long to hear her noises and smell her scalp.

Instead, I hear the changed voice of my son. On Sunday he said, "Mom, I don't know how to explain it, but I am different."  He didn't need to tell  me that. I could hear it. The rate and pitch of his voice was familiar but new. He spoke to me not as my son, but as Eva's father. "I know I am partial, but she is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen." I have spoken to him daily and our conversations have never been richer - full of real words and articulated emotions.

Since Eva's birth, I have hugged more children then I can count. I've taught spelling and reading. I've checked homework.  Uniform shopping has been done. A couple of kids have hopped on my bike and rode to school with me.  I've cuddled, taught dance, learned a new "knock knock" joke and ran interference between angry parents and their spirited child. I am just honing my grandma skills as these are all things I expect to do with Eva. 

I hope she will always have a heart of grace for her grandma who is always late.  I promise to eventually show up, twirling a baton and singing the newest Top 40 song.  I promise to take her to get her first passport. I promise to love her unconditionally as I show her the real conditions in the rest of the world. I promise to be her confidant, her librarian, her stylist and her devil's advocate.

Like my children in Belize, I know that she will change me more that I could ever offer her. I am - humbly - Eva Mary's grandma.